The Tipsy Queen

“I’m not a witch…I’m nothing you’ve heard.  I’m you.”  Remember this political ad from 2010? Some dude actually advised that poor woman to spend money on a campaign ad clarifying she was not a witch. (But she was wearing all black in front of a dark screen complete with swirling mist which I’m pretty sure was a thinly veiled, “Fuck you, I AM a witch.”) Worse, she was directed to not even be herself; in an ultimate appeal to human narcissism, she was them. I’ll be whoever you want – just vote for me. No no no no no. Dearth of conviction is not a good look on anyone. And…

…it won’t happen around here.  Primarily because I’m possibly (probably) a witch, and I’m certainly not you. Like I tell my kids, you do you and I do me.  Life is too short to be inauthentic. This blog represents my journal and an honest chronicle of daily life. It will be alternatingly funny, exasperated/ing, opinionated, loving, and semi-crude. I hope sometimes you cheer our small victories. Occasionally, you may wish for me to be attacked by a band of eagles (which would both terrify and enrage me…honestly, eagles have so much attitude. Helllo, you’re a BIRD.) But that’s okay. This blog has an open door policy.  Come in, hang your hat, grab a drink. You can leave any time you want. No matter what, you’re paying for that drink.

So, me. In 2014, I will be celebrating the 10th anniversary of my 29th birthday. I have been married to the most tolerant man on the planet for the past 15 years, and together we are raising our four sons in the overgrown college town of Boise, Idaho.  (ps. If you read this blog a lot, you’ll probably end up wanting to move here. This is THE BEST place to live and raise a family if that’s your thing). In June of 2015, I will graduate from Boise State University – yep, the blue turf – with a Master’s degree in Health Science. And then watch out public health world because… I have no idea what I want to do and I might get desperate. I’m not above manufacturing a public health crisis if my employment options look bleak. Also, you should probably know right now that I severely overuse parentheses, ellipses, hyphens, arrows, dashes and slashes.  It’s just how my brain works.  Like a robot brain.  /<>/(……)//>>… _-_):>)O-o

BTDubs, random stuff that rarely happens to other people happens to me a lot.  I hope you can find some comedic value in these predicaments.  I mean, isn’t that what life is all about? Shenanigans will be detailed with some regularity and generally with a lot of gratuitous swear words, which I consider a noble art form. So, get out your swear jar because here’s the deal. Every time I curse, you put a quarter in the jar and at the end of the month you send the money to me.  Also, EVERY CUPCAKE IS MINE. Yes, even the one you’re holding. Put it down.

Most days at our house can be as described as a subtle union of Lord of the Flies and the Hunger Games.  However, that does not stop me from attempting to mold this roving pack of boys into conscientious young men who are lifelong seekers of knowledge.  May they leave my home with a strong sense of community and civic duty, a passion to fight for fairness and equality, a genuine love and respect for women, an appreciation for good food and good humor, and a willingness to maybe, secretly, under duress, come back and hold their old mom’s hand once in a while.

These are a few of my favorite things: The hubs, my boys (aka the Bigs and Littles), our extended family, my ladies, being home in front of a fire, being home on the patio, being home in my bed, my iPad, gin and tonic with a splash of grapefruit (go ahead and muddle some basil while you’re at it…that’s a dear), yoga pants, barefeet (mine, not yours), riding my cruiser, historic cemeteries, scary books, biting my nails, 70’s  music, hosting brunch (a socially acceptable excuse for day drinking), everything about autumn, tiramisu, progressive politics, public health promotion, digging in the dirt, being a feminist killjoy.

The perfect day includes: Hiking the trails above my house, double (triple) espresso, a lap through the downtown farmer’s market, an afternoon bath with a cocktail, an avocado with goat cheese and garlic balsamic (an insatiable addiction), a Harry Potter DVD with the kids, crickets and twinkle lights on my patio. Oh, and a pocketful of chocolate-covered orange sticks. Let’s bump that up to a  fanny pack.

I can’t even begin to understand: Fox News enthusiasts (SRSLY WTF), the Tea Party, most organized religion, people who oppose reasonable gun laws, people who listen to Rush Limbaugh, people who don’t eat breakfast, people who deny climate change (Hi Dad!), the prison industrial complex, anti-vaxxers…in fact, if you oppose childhood immunizations you should probably just back away slowly and spread your measles elsewhere… and MMA fighting. Oddly, I do love boxing. And of course gin. I’m secretly your grandpa [shakes fist at sky.] Except for the Fox News part.

And to conclude, I wish every day was Halloween.